Final Lesson: The End is Near

It has been a while since my last post...a LOT has been going on. But everyone is happy and healthy :)

We have been pretty closely monitored to make sure I don't start to get pregnancy induced hypertension (a.k.a. Preeclampsia) which has to do with your blood pressure and your body "leaking" protein. It isn't life threatening but it's something that can cause stress on the baby which is never a good thing. The only way to get rid of it is to have your child. Now there are so many different stages of this, sometimes you have it so bad to where they have and WILL get the baby out as soon as they feel they can survive outside the womb, and other times you have it the rest of your pregnancy and everything is peachy. I was so lucky to not have been diagnosed fully but have been on that boarder line fence for some time now and all I can do is take it easy, not get stressed, and keep my feet elevated for as long as possible....and drink lots of fluids.

For first time moms, at least for me, I have the constant question of what is a contraction....I have NEVER had them before, how am I suppose to tell. I HATE the repsonse "you'll know".....shut up. Since every pregnancy is different and everyone handles pain differently how do you really "know." I asked two different doctors about that contractions consist of and have gotten two COMPLETELY different answers, and I really believe it's because they each experienced labor differently, they have different pain tolerances. Now I am not too concerned and have realized that since I have been "crampy" and "tight" for quite some time now that I am just going to wait until one of the following:
1. My water breaks
2. I have such intense pain that doesn't go away when I change positions.
3. I am told at one of my appointments that I am in fact in labor....which is what my last doctor's appointment almost turned into but it was "false labor" and guess what...I HAD NO CLUE, NO SYMPTOMS...NOTHING.

First time mom's this is scary....period. But not knowing when you are going to go into labor is even more scary because we don't know what it feels like to go into labor or have a baby. The only thing we can do is wait for those CLEAR signs but guess what, sometimes your water doesn't break on it's own, sometimes you don't feel the begining stages of labor, every woman is different and doesn't fit into that "movie" role where your water breaks and you have your baby 15min later....oh wait THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

When you have reached that "final stretch" time crawls....I think it actually goes backwards at times. You are so excited to meet this beautiful miracle you created and you feel completely ready because of all the amazing gifts you received from your baby shower and from friends and family a long the way....then it hits you. "Am I actually ready?" For me it has been really tough the last month, I have been having those realizations that even though I am so thankful that we were lucky enough to even have children (because so many people in this world struggle with infertility every day) I wish we had done more. I wanted to travel and just leave for a weekend. I wanted to move some more, maybe even to another state, just for awhile. I even wanted to get married before having babies, I wanted that "selfish" time with my husband until we felt financially and physically stable enough to have kids. That's when reality slapped me in the face and reminded me that we have no control over what happens in our lives. I firmly believe that our paths have already been drawn and yes we have a million choices to get us to the end of that road, ultimately our lives are already mapped out and it NEVER happens on our dime or the way we want it to.

I don't feel like I am ready for this baby also because it is so terrifying being responsible for a human life and keeping them alive, now family and friends will tell you that you're going to be great and you'll be just fine but these are fears that I know will never go away once she's here, I will always worry about her, always worry about if I am doing things right and if I am raising her the "right" way.

I also don't feel like our house is ready, I feel like we have to do so much before she is here but the pure fact that I am exhausted when I get home from work has been keeping me from making our house good enough for the greatest roommate we will ever have.

With all these fears, comes so much excitement. I can't wait to see the color of her hair, her eyes, her beautiful smile and her dimples. I can't wait to see who she grows up to be and all the characteristics she shares with Jon and myself. We are so beyond lucky and completely honored to be surrounded by the most amazing families anyone could ask for. They have been so supportive and there every step of the way. I can't wait to give them the ultimate thank you gift, a baby girl :)

We are ready for you baby girl, and can't wait to meet you, you have one very excited daddy and one very anxious, excited, and uncomfortable mommy who can't wait to hold you, give you a million kisses and count every finger and every toe.

The end is near :)